The Days Following
You would think that once an immediate crisis was over, that everything would settle, you would feel calm and restored to your previous self. That is not so!
In the days following Tim’s heart attack, there was so much that both he and I would have to go through and deal with either physically, mentally or emotionally.
For Tim, it was an immediate upcoming surgery, endless days in a hospital bed, frustration with boredom and lack of movement, coping with feelings of self blame, feelings of thankfulness for God’s intervention, dealing with poor sleep patterns in the hospital and learning patience as he waited for discharge.
For me, it was dealing with fear of upcoming surgery, travel insurance, changing travel plans, securing a place to stay for myself and then later, both of us, traveling back and forth to hospital, being thankful for God’s help and coping with all the emotions that I was carrying and struggling to disect in order to deal with them. In fact, some of them I stuffed down and out of the way because they were too difficult at the time and I couldn’t afford to fall apart.
In all of this, despite all of the different emotions, we both knew that God could be depended on and that He would smooth our path and show us the steps to take.
Tim was in hospital from Sept 18-30. During that time, he encouraged me to go out and see some of the attractions in the nearby area. His intent was twofold - one that I would have something to do and have some experiences and two that he could experience some of it vicariously through me and the pictures I took. So, I went out and did a few things during that time period and called them my “Vicarious excursions.” I learned a few things about myself along the way. I’ll share one of them today. One of my excursions was to visit the Tower of Pisa. The place was full of tourists so I was surrounded by people and yet felt so very much alone. I realized how much Mikael and I were alike at that moment; how much we liked to have personal connection with others. I really realized how hard it must have been for him during Covid when he was on his own in his apartment; the loneliness he must have felt. I also realized that I had completely shut out my grief during this time because I simply could not deal with it along with everything else. It didn’t go away, more like it was put in a box in my brain for a bit. I have now started the process of opening the box back up, slowly, and letting the contents out. Now that Tim and I are in a safer situation, I can let myself feel what needs to be felt.
