Woodenness

Some days, or to be truthful for the past many days, I go through time with almost no feeling. I believe the term is “wooden.” It’s rather hard to explain it but it really is like my heart and mind are not turned on, kind of like a television. I can say and do all the right things so no one else would notice but inside, I am not really feeling much. I have grown used to the days when I think about Mikael and smile and the days where I think about him and break down into tears. Those days I understand. Days of this frozen limbo I am not as sure of. I used to be afraid of these kind of days because they made me feel like I was losing myself; the person I am. But I am starting to get used to them as a part of a life with grief that I simply don’t yet understand. I haven’t tracked this before, but what I wonder is when I have an extremely messy and emotional breakdown, which I did at Easter, perhaps afterwards my body shuts down for a while as a way of allowing my heart and mind to recover. I will have to pay more attention to this to figure out if that is the case. It would make sense. In any case, whatever is happening with these wooden days, God still has me in his hands so I know that I am safe.