I have to say that I truly wish that you were not on this road with me, but here we are. So, for my part, I will support you and comfort you in any way that I can because I know you will surely need it, as I do.
The initial days of this terrible loss are full of disbelief and shock. It feels like time has frozen and everything surrounding us is hazy and swirling. We simply don’t have the words to explain our physical and mental agony. There are some days where we can barely get up or even put on a pair of socks. Days go by and we move through them like a wisp of smoke. God sees our pain and holds us close, in his hand. He understands the entire breadth of our emotions; anger, disbelief, despair, sorrow, anguish. God is not watching us weep, he is weeping with us, alongside us, holding on to us.
This is a journey from which there is no return. This is the After and the honest truth is that our lives will never go back to the way they were before. We will not “get over it,” “overcome it,” or “move on.” What we will do is learn to carry the pieces of our shattered hearts, with God’s help, and to allow ourselves to grow around those pieces. We will honour our children and ensure that they are never forgotten. We will continue to love them and let that love be a positive force in the world around us.
When my son died, I knew that I had to put myself in God’s hands completely. I made the decision to trust in the Lord to comfort me and help me find my way. In my mind, it was a decision between carrying my broken spirit in the light with God’s loving hands to hold me or to turn away from him and do so in the dark of bitterness and anger. I made the choice for the light and I have not ever regretted it. As you begin this journey, I pray that you will be able to lean on God to walk with you on the path.
Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way as I endeavour to walk in the light with my Lord.
I simply must put myself in God’s hands at all times. I cannot do this on my own strength.
Gratitude is a choice we have and when we look around us we see much to be grateful for. We don’t have to be thankful for losing our child but when we look out we can see all of the ways that God has provided for us in the midst of our heartache. We can have a thankful heart for his provision, for the people he put in place, the comfort he has provided, the necessities he has made sure we have. Cultivating a spirit of gratitude opens our hearts to joy and creates opportunities for us to take part in positive experiences.
Joy walks along with grief. It’s hard to imagine that we can have joy in our lives but the amazing thing is that we can. In fact, God puts joyful moments into our lives every day; the first sip of coffee, the sunset on the lake, the laughter of a friend or grandchild. As we allow these gifts of joy to settle into our hearts, they create a web of protection around us. When we find ourselves prostrate on the ground with our grief, this web of protection helps us find our way on to our knees, on to our feet and on to our next step forward.
Forgiveness is crucial if we are to have any hope of growing around our grief in a positive way. Going to God and placing all resentments and bitterness into his hands is a must. Lack of forgiveness is a burden that is too great to carry with any success. I have learned to forgive, to set that burden down at the Lord’s feet.
I do not have a free pass to ignore God’s purpose for me. He has created works for me to do and given me the ability to do them. My grief is not an excuse to do nothing. In fact, the more I reach out to follow God’s leading, the more comfort I find in my own heartbreak. This is a lesson I also learned from my son Mikael. He would always say that in order to help ourselves, we had to reach out and help others.
Spending time in prayer and study of God’s word is something I need to do everyday.
It is okay for me to have questions and allow my grief to show. Expressing our grief is not a sign of lack of faith. I would say it is the opposite; it is a sign that we trust God enough to lament, to ask the whys and hows and in the end to acknowledge who God is and accept his love and compassion.
My dear, sweet, grieving parent. If you ever need to share with another traveller on this journey, I can be reached at kenoralake4@gmail.com. I know from my own experience the value of talking and spending time with other parents who understand my grief completely.
