In your new reality, there is an additional layer or dimension to holidays and special occasions. There are certainly times when you may feel like you do not wish to take part in these days at all but that is sometimes not an option. And the reality is that it is probably not overly helpful to us to avoid holidays and occasions forever.
The added layer of these days is, of course, all of our memories of the person we lost. When I think back to previous Christmas’s, I can bring back memories of Mikael laughing and chatting at family dinners. I recall the fun of playing games together and spending family time. I have special memories of all the times that we all went out to get our Christmas tree together. I can still picture him down on the floor with my granddaughters on Christmas morning, helping them with their gifts and playing with them. The list of memories goes on and on. Now, the family garment has a large hole in it that can’t be patched. Christmas continues to be a special and magical holiday for me because it is a celebration of Jesus’ birth but there is an underlying sorrow that I carry into the holiday and I miss my son so terribly.
So, how do we navigate these holidays and occasions? There is certainly an abundance of advice on this on social media and various websites. It can be helpful to check out some of these resources and take the strategies that will work for you and leave the rest. I have found several approaches to holidays that have been helpful to me. I am sharing them with you to take any that you think are useful. And, as I said, leave the rest!
First of all, I focus on what the occasion is about and who is present. To continue with my Christmas example, I focus on the miracle of Christ’s birth and his love for us in coming to live amongst us and provide us with a way to salvation. I immerse myself in Christmas decorating and allow myself to spend time enjoying the end results of my work; especially the twinkly lights! This is helpful to me because Mikael loved Christmas so it makes me feel close to him. I also focus on the family members that are present at family dinners and make a point to participate in games and conversations. You may feel like you are not ready to participate in family events and get-togethers and that is absolutely okay. You may not want to decorate even a little bit and that is also totally okay. The key for me has been to focus on the true meaning of the holiday and that can be done individually or with others.
Secondly, it is important to take care of myself in terms of proper rest, good food and any kind of exercise. It doesn’t have to be strenuous, but getting my body moving helps my mind cope better. My personal exercise of choice is walking or snowshoeing, simple and enjoyable. The time spent outdoors is refreshing and centres me.
Third, I try to be realistic about what I can handle and what I can’t. What events I attend and the length of time I stay at an event or get together is an example of this. I know that if I go home early, my hosts will understand. When I am at holiday gatherings, I locate spaces that I can retreat to for a short time if I need to gather myself (bathrooms are great for this!). I also have a few rehearsed answers to the constant question from others, “How are you doing?” I don’t want to be dishonest but I also don’t want to spill my feelings out in these situations. So, I say something like, “I’m doing as well as could be expected, thanks for asking.”
Fourth, I carve out time for myself to sit and think about my son. I let the memories flow and let myself feel. Holiday times are often very busy and my instincts tell me that if I don’t make this time for myself, the feelings will build up until I am overwhelmed and unable to process them. Creating new traditions that honour Mikael at holidays has also been very positive and meaningful. One of my new traditions now is to put out an ice-candle in the driveway and keep it lit all winter.
Fifth, and most importantly, I stay close to God’s word. Daily devotionals provide a much-needed sense of balance and having God’s word in my heart provides me with scriptural reminders that God is present with me at any event I am attending.
