Providing comfort to someone who is grieving is a ministry that we will all be called upon to do at some point in our lives. The importance of coming alongside the hurting and vulnerable cannot be overstated. It can also feel rather daunting as we are often afraid that we will bumble it and cause further distress. I cannot count the times that a friend or colleague has said, “sometimes I just don’t know what to do or say.”

I thought it may be useful for readers who support a grieving loved one to have access to some helpful tips on how best to provide true and helpful support.

This little list is from my own experience so please feel free to send me suggestions to add to it!

1.     Acknowledge the loss. Fancy words are not necessary. A simple, “I am so sorry for your loss and I care very much about you,” is all that is needed. This is all we need to hear from you; as tempting as it is to use words as a magical healing pill, that is not remotely realistic. That is why platitudes (he’s in a better place, he’s no longer hurting, you’ll see him again someday….) are not helpful and in fact, do cause hurt and frustration. Rule of thumb – keep it simple, sincere, heartfelt.

2.     Spend time in person if possible. Having a friend or family member just sitting with us helps strengthen us. The conversation isn’t what’s important so much as the physical presence. It means a great deal to have others check in on us regularly. If you can’t be present in person, you can call, text, email, etc. Some days I have had friends and family simply send me a text with a heart, or a message letting me know I’m in their thoughts. This means more than they could know.  Especially on special dates like Mother’s Day, Mikael’s birthday, the one-year anniversary.

3.     Find practical ways to help. This is different for each person because we all have different needs. For example, spouses often take on different responsibilities in their household. Losing your spouse may also mean there are tasks that you haven’t done before that you will need help with. For concrete ideas on ways to provide assistance, see my piece on “Practical Ideas to Assist.” I would definitely encourage you to ask us how you can help, however, I will also add that in our grief state we often don’t really know what we need. You can also check with close family members to get ideas on what is needed.

4.     Talk to us about our lost loved one. I know that I love talking about Mikael and sharing the things he did and said. It is important to me to ensure that he is always remembered. You may feel afraid that bringing them up in conversation will cause us further pain but that is not the case. We think about them all the time and not being able to talk about them creates such a feeling of loneliness. I have explained it to others this way; other parents talk about their kids all the time. I want to talk about mine too and that includes Mikael.

5.     Please don’t avoid us. You know how sometimes in the grocery store you see someone that you don’t really want to talk to so you duck into another aisle and pretend you never saw them? Yes – we’ve all done it! Don’t do it to us please. Take the time to say hello and let us know you are thinking about us. Even if you feel awkward, do it anyway.

6.     Allow us to grieve in our own unique way. We are all different and therefore grieve differently. We are in a great deal of pain so judgment from others about the way we display, or don’t display, our grief is very hurtful. You need to know that we will always carry this heartache and are just doing our very best with the Lord to put one foot in front of the other.

7.     Pray for us!