A Shattering

January 2023 - this is my reflection from a year ago.

It is so very hard to describe this pain of losing my son. There is no “moving on” “getting over it” or complete healing. It is the absolute shattering of my heart in a way that the pieces cannot be glued back together. Much like the shattering of a tea cup. You can attempt to glue it back together all you want but the end result will be missing gaps and cracks; it will never be the same. I think that God picks up all of those pieces of my heart and helps me to carry them forward in my life, just as they are. I believe that He holds those pieces as sacred and belonging to Him so He will protect them and also use the pieces of my heart to help others as I continue on in this life fully trusting Him.

January 2024

As I look back on this reflection from a year ago, I am trying to decide if anything has changed about how I felt. I would have to say that I still feel like my heart is shattered and that the pieces can’t be put back together. I continue to feel God carrying all of my pieces and I do think that he has used my pain to help others along this journey. One thing that I do see as different is the condition of each of the pieces of my shattered heart. I can feel over the past year that these pieces have each been wrapped carefully in a protective covering. Like wrapping tissue paper around fine china. It’s a relatively thin covering right now but I believe it will get thicker over time. The living of life with all that comes with it creates this covering. As I find my purpose, experience joy, solve difficulties, do chores, enjoy nature, continue growing with God, this protective covering grows around my china heart pieces.