And Just Like That

I have been in this desert place for about a month now and I have talked about it with all of you so I don’t feel like I need to describe it again. But today, just like that, I was flung out of the desert. No warning! Well, maybe a bit of a warning earlier today when a song came on my playlist and I felt a little twitch. But I didn’t pay attention to it.

Today, I spent the day meeting with friends and working on a home reno. I still felt like I was in that “not feeling much” phase. As I said, on my way home, I did get a little ripple but I didn’t pay attention. And then, early this evening, I was talking to my son Davis on the phone and when I hung up, just like that, I was literally catapulted into the feeling part of all of my grief! The freight train of emotion came whooshing in with the tears that were blocked off for the past month. If you can picture one of those medieval structures that fling cannon balls and fire and all kinds of crap at a castle wall, that is exactly what this was. You may also picture me in this contraption yelling “slowwwwwww dowwwwwwwwn!” and possibly waving my arms around!

I suppose I should learn to see this coming, and yet I don’t entirely. Like I said, I had an inkling but these little jiggly twinges often go not unnoticed, but unheeded. I suppose I should pay closer attention.

Well, anyway, you may be wondering which place I would prefer to be; the desert, or the fully feeling (maybe I’ll call this the rainforest!). The answer is the rainforest, every time! I find the desert a bit scary and disconcerting whereas the rainforest is where I find I can see everything about Mikael and feel everything about being his mom and who we were together. I find myself wanting to be in the rainforest and yet, I understand the desert and the need for it so that I don’t exhaust myself.