Relentless

Today was Mikael’s birthday. I will not pretend it was an easy day but it was a day that I got through, with the help and distraction of my granddaughters and the grace of God. The thing is that although today was hard, the past year and a half have been just as hard. Lately I have felt this heaviness, like a slab of granite embedded in my body dragging me down. This constant weight that I can’t shed. There is no measure of tears that can dislodge it, no slamming of fists, no shattering of glass; it is permanently present. Grief. I have known from the beginning that I would have to allow it to take up residence and develop a relationship with it, and yet there are days, or weeks, or months, where it just seems like this unwanted guest that just won’t leave. I keep packing it’s suitcase but it won’t latch shut and the contents keep spilling out. If I had to describe grief with one word, I think that would be RELENTLESS! It is many other things at many different times but it is always relentless. It will never go away.

You may wonder, “What happened to her faith?” I can assure you that it is still there and that I know without question that God continues to sustain me and love me. But that doesn’t make the weight less, it just makes it carryable. Having faith in God’s salvation and grace doesn’t mean that I won’t have bad days or weeks or months. I will have them. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be times where I feel so overwhelmed that I simply don’t know how I will continue to function. God will be there in those times. It’s the thing about him that I’m counting on the most; his presence during every moment that I cannot move. You see, grief is most definitely relentless, but God is everlasting and eternal. I will count on that!