Two Paths

When you lose a child, there are so many questions that circle around inside your head. It’s been just over a year since Mikael died and I still have many questions. Questions about why he had to suffer from the disease of addiction, about why he tried so hard to stay clean and yet suffered relapses, about the day that he died from an overdose and how it all took place. I have such sadness in my mother’s heart that he died alone. I have taken all of my questions to the Lord and as much as I would like to tell you that I now have answers, I cannot. There are simply not always answers to our questions in this life.

Going through grief with unanswered questions can lead you down one of two paths. And they are paths of our choosing. One path is that of blaming the Lord for the tragedy that has ripped our hearts to shreds. It is a path that questions how a good God could allow such a thing to happen. It is an uncertain path constantly seeking answers and comfort but not sure where to find them. The other path is one that chooses to put the wreckage of our hearts solely in the keeping of God’s hands. It is a path that, despite unanswered questions, has the certainty of God’s love and comfort. It is a path of trust.

Yes, I still have unanswered questions. I still don’t understand why Mikael had to die the way he did. I have accepted that I will not have answers to my questions until I see the Lord face to face. When I ask myself if I can trust in God’s goodness and in his plan for me, if I can trust in scripture that tells me of God’s promises and love, the answer is yes.