Unproductive
Here's the thing. When I know I have a free day, the night before I will often plan out all the things I will accomplish with that day. I'll be pumped about my plans for what I'm going to do with my free day. And then the day comes. And sometimes I do accomplish what I planned but so often my brain and body freeze up on me and all the tasks I planned to do fly out the window. I sit there mentally prompting myself; just get up and do that job. And then my whole body says "nope." I simply cannot find the incentive or drive to get up and fulfill my plans. Instead I spend the day sitting around doing next to nothing. Sometimes I can find a way to tick one or two things off the list but everything else becomes mere smoke in the wind. It leaves me feeling useless and stupid and lazy. My husband came home to me crying the other day because I felt so pathetic. What is this about? It seems to be happening more now than it did before which makes me wonder; is that normal in any kind of grief process?
Being the self-analytical person that I am, I of course start to ponder this in great depth. First of all, I ask myself, what does God think of this? Is he disappointed in me for not getting up and being productive? Does he understand why I can't even when I don't know why? I have to believe, from my personal understanding of God as a God of love and compassion, that he does understand and that he is not disappointed in me. I do suppose he is concerned though and there to help me find my way.
I also wonder if other parents grieving their children go through this as well? I find it happens more often after a day where I have been with a lot of other people so perhaps it's just a way of my mind and body recuperating? I've spent energy on socially navigating a busy day with others and acting "normal" so maybe I just need a rest. Or maybe I have lost some of my drive and incentive in the process of carrying grief? I used to be a very active person, always with a project on the go. Projects were my way of relaxing. I end up wondering if I will ever get back to that person again. Or maybe I should simply leave her behind and stop worrying about it.
