Christmas

There is simply no doubt that Christmas is one of the hardest times of the year. Of course I miss Mikael all of the time, but I feel his absence so rawly during the Christmas season. It's magnified in a way that is difficult to explain. I suppose it is because he and I love Christmas so much and because it is such a time for family and his absence is so glaring. There are so many moments that he should be present in and part of, but then he isn't.

The thing is that I love Christmas. I always have. I love the music, the lights, the decorations, the baking and cooking. I love the time spent as a family. I love all of the magic! And most of all, the best magic of all, is that God had this incredible plan to encapsulate all of his glory and perfection into a tiny baby to come to be with us and provide us a way to salvation. There is nothing more magical than that!

I made the choice to immerse myself in all of the Christmas traditions. My home is decorated to the nines! Lots of lights! I play Christmas music while I do all of the traditional family baking. I make ice candles and keep them lit. We get our own tree and I enjoy decorating it and admiring its lights in the evening. We take part in all family gatherings. All of these activities bring me glimmers of joy that help me through my feelings of sorrow. I have indicated before that I have lost the ability to have uncomplicated happiness. Although that is true, these glimmers of joy are still that. Glimmers of joy. Complicated joy is still joy and allowing it to fill my heart provides comfort, strength and healing that gets me through the holidays.