Waves of Sorrow

The other day a highway crew went past our house, down the highway, clearing trees from the side in order to maintain visibility, I am assuming. They use a machine with a large circular saw at the end that basically rips the trees and shrubs to shreds. Driving along, the entire side of the highway looks like a medieval war zone. I’ve included a picture for reference. Today, this is what my heart feels like! I have been continually swallowed up by waves of raw, jagged, overwhelming grief and sorrow. I tried to find ways to alleviate these feelings by distracting myself with errands and some Christmas decor shopping. I went to sit at Mikael’s bench at the park. I was unsuccessful. Several times I ran into people I knew, and like most of us who are living with grief, I lied. “Hi Leanne, how are you?” I’m fine thank you, how are you?”

Driving home, I let the tears flow and asked myself why I had tried so hard to pull myself out of my feelings. Why didn’t I just accept them and let them be? They ended up surfacing anyway, so it would have been easier to surrender myself to them. I know there are others out there who are grieving who also have these times of such immense sorrow and it can make us feel so fragile and helpless. Pretending we are okay to others feels like a social obligation of some kind but also an essential protection of our privacy. I know these moments are completely normal and continue to learn to navigate these intense emotions with God’s help.